Civilization has taught man the proper way of ingesting food with the aid of plates and utensils or banana leaves and bare hands (depending on one’s race and cultural background). Man also went through a period of toilet training - the proper way of eliminating waste where he learned to use the toilet and not do “it” in one’s pants. But our digestive system, which functions amid the delicate balance of nature, has its own pace. And man has always struggled to live with the fact that he either has to function in harmony with nature or suffer the consequences. There are numerous writers in the lifestyle section of several periodicals that already cover the “intake” side of this delicate balance where good food, great chefs, and fabulous settings are featured.
This article attempts to cover the other side of the balance, the process of elimination, so that managers of establishments with toilets for their client’s use will know that we care about having clean toilets and that we will go to great lengths to tell all.
Back in kindergarden, whenever we felt the urge to relieve our self of effluence during class, we had to ask the teacher’s permission to go to the toilet. In the school where I came from, if you want to urinate you say, “Ma’am, may I go out to do a No. 1.” Thus, if you have to “pooh”, you say, “Ma’am may I go out to do a No. 2.” I wish life were as simple now as when I was in grade school.
There are members of humankind with a finely tuned body. They can perform this cleansing routine with regularity. They can anticipate the arrival of the “urge.” As such, they can use time to their advantage and do “the act” in their preferred toilet. After all, control is the essence of toilet training. It allows one to hold or delay the inevitable. Control is what separates the men from the boys.
Sophisticated types can do “it” ceremoniously along with other effects to make this a more pleasant activity. They can do “the act” while reading their favorite periodical, with a lit cigarette atop a nearby ashtray situated beside a hot cup of coffee, in a cool, clean environment, with his favorite music playing in the background. Who ever said man couldn’t do two things at the same time is dead wrong. Who knows, the Information Technology concept of multi-tasking may have been born in the toilet! Ever wonder what other great ideas may have been conceived by men sitting in their “thrones.” The fact is, “If you know when you have to drop your stool, then you have the luxury of making this “chore” more pleasant and therefore bring new meaning to the term “comfort room.”
On the contrary, there are those who ignore their 24-hour circadian rhythm and leave the performance of this “chore” to chance. They are oblivious of when the urge will strike. Often, due to timing, these types become “victims of circumstance.” They have to seek refuge in the nearest CR because you “gotta go when you gotta go” right! And doing “it” when the urge is greatest does not leave you much of an option specially when you’re away from home. To those who fall under this category, to the frequent users of public toilets, then this article is for you.
My job requires me to be away from my office desk to develop closer affiliations with customers. After all, technology still does not allow us to fax a smile or a handshake. This license to leave the office (officially) is referred to as a client call. Imagine this scenario – you are on a client call. You get the urge to do a No.2. You try to control it, to delay the “fact.” Whenever you do this, your rectum sends signals (spasms) that its time to go. But you’re nowhere near a decent toilet. So you try and contain the urge. You hold “it.” You notice that the spasm comes and goes. The intervals get shorter as the urge becomes stronger. You get cold sweat. You feel a tremendous amount of discomfort. The pain mounts, it becomes excruciating to the point where it mirrors a pregnant woman in labor. Suddenly, you cannot hold it any longer. You surrender! You let go! Aaahh! Relief is immediate. But wait, you’re still in your car! And the traffic is horrible. Fortunately you are alone to suffer the stench, the feeling of wet underpants, wet seat covers and the guilt and humiliation that follows when someone finds out what happened.
So what do you do when the urge hits you while you’re on the road? What immediately comes to mind is a place where you can just drive-in, pull your pants down and do “it.” Since parking convenience and ease of entry is of paramount importance, a gas station is the obvious choice. But gas stations are notorious for having ill equipped, and poorly maintained restrooms - especially those located in unclean neighborhoods. Some stations have toilets that seem to curse anyone who enters it. I’ve seen toilets whose odor and filth alone can make the spasms go away – only because you still have the decency to prefer a better toilet. Somehow you would rather tolerate the pain associated with the urge to pooh, rather than suffer the ordeal of using such a toilet. Think of a toilet where there is no water. The floor is wet and dirty. There is no place to hang your clothes (pants and shirt perhaps). The toilet does not have a seat and cannot be flushed (because there is no water!). The refuse of its previous occupant is still vividly present and the odor is horrible due to poor ventilation. There is no toilet paper, and the door cannot be locked. To add to your troubles, someone else is knocking on the door waiting to use the toilet after you do. If you can still hang on, you would rather go elsewhere. But if you can’t, then using this toilet is your only chance. And believe me, doing “it” in such a toilet is better than messing up your car.
This article attempts to be a catalyst for the improvement of public toilets. We encourage you to join in this Blog, because together we can set standards by which public toilets should be managed and maintained. You are most welcome to send in your anecdotes on this subject. For the time being, just remember if you have to “go,” do it with flair.
